I think I am drowning- at last
That mass of land that I held onto
Slipped away, melting away altogether
The salt waters gush in through my senses,
Blinding me, stealing those last streams of sunlight
Cutting off my breath
I hear it gurgling in my lungs, as they seep into them
The last straw floating away from me
I don’t move, I don’t even try to catch it
I don’t see the point
The straw was a mirage – was always out of reach
I realise it was never really there
And all the memories of my fool’s paradise
Come crashing down, and melt away in the waters.
As I slowly drift below the surface, away from the world
I look up and glance at the sun kissed land, and I wish I’d know one day how it was
To revel in hope, and rejoice its realization
To grow in love, and bask in being loved
To be cherished for how wrong I was, no matter how vile I was
To know the sweet taste of revenge, and then heal wholly
I can't waste my last breath in futile struggles
That I know, I have done
That has always ended with a broken neck off the cliff
Every rebirth, every time, was an alter-ego I hoped to be
While I slowly drifted away in false illusions
I see it – the mirror crashing, breaking and falling apart
All the light sucked away from my side
And in my last moments, as the fire ebbs away
I know, I feel it was never to be
My world never really existed
The people, the emotions, the life as I’d known
The touch, the laughter I had felt
Was just the other side of the mirror.
And the big bang of realisation has cleared my mind
So, I wish to slowly fall asleep in the dark.
All the days I spent staring at you,
For the clouds to clear,
For the storm to pass
Wishfully staring at the rainbow on the other side
In the darkness I know –I was never in the picture
And I was hoping through the clear mirror of lies, of mere words,
Of the warmth that never lit my heart
I know my questions are now answered, the mystery lifted
As the veil dropped, people on their safe lands
And their pity and love from a distant shore
I have tried so hard to reach out and touch them,
I have struggled against raging waves to reach their home
Fruitless, spineless and hopeless
Was I not told? Over and over in the mockery and spite.
Did I not know of the thorns and deserts?
I did. I always did.
I just didn’t know that the destination wouldn't last either
And as the ship slowly sank, as my land gradually melted
I held on to the last piece, that piece of throbbing life
And now its time, as the night is the thickest,
And I’ve let go of the rotting lying piece of life
I feel the salt rubbing the wounds raw in me
I hear the lungs gasping in the dirty waters
I see the vision cut to a black screen of a starless sky
I know it’s the end – not of life, not of despair or bliss
Of ever trying to reach, of trying to hold onto the fortress
My source of strength was eroded with the ship, and now it was at the bottom
Musty, corroded and covered in weeds
I don’t wish to die, I don’t wish it to end
I just don’t wish anymore
I slowly float towards rock bottom,
With flashing images of smiles and sighs, of a life in lies
Of brittle hopes, of shielded truths
I was out of reach of the light now, melting away with my life in the smelly water
With no tombstone, no memories behind
No tears or empty houses.
Is this solace? Is this defeat? Is it giving up?
I close my eyes, block all the sound – to revel in what was always there
Forceful, catatonic peace.