The Last Breath

I think I am drowning- at last

I think it’s over, finally.

That mass of land that I held onto

Slipped away, melting away altogether

The salt waters gush in through my senses,

Blinding me, stealing those last streams of sunlight

Cutting off my breath

I hear it gurgling in my lungs, as they seep into them

The last straw floating away from me

I don’t move, I don’t even try to catch it

I don’t see the point

The straw was a mirage – was always out of reach

I realise it was never really there

And all the memories of my fool’s paradise

Come crashing down, and melt away in the waters.

As I slowly drift below the surface, away from the world

I look up and glance at the sun kissed land, and I wish I’d know one day how it was

To revel in hope, and rejoice its realization

To grow in love, and bask in being loved

To be cherished for how wrong I was, no matter how vile I was

To know the sweet taste of revenge, and then heal wholly

I can't waste my last breath in futile struggles

That I know, I have done

That has always ended with a broken neck off the cliff

Every rebirth, every time, was an alter-ego I hoped to be

While I slowly drifted away in false illusions

I see it – the mirror crashing, breaking and falling apart

All the light sucked away from my side

And in my last moments, as the fire ebbs away

I know, I feel it was never to be

My world never really existed

The people, the emotions, the life as I’d known

The touch, the laughter I had felt

Was just the other side of the mirror.

And the big bang of realisation has cleared my mind

So, I wish to slowly fall asleep in the dark.

All the days I spent staring at you,

For the clouds to clear,

For the storm to pass

Wishfully staring at the rainbow on the other side

In the darkness I know –I was never in the picture

And I was hoping through the clear mirror of lies, of mere words,

Of the warmth that never lit my heart

I know my questions are now answered, the mystery lifted

As the veil dropped, people on their safe lands

And their pity and love from a distant shore

I have tried so hard to reach out and touch them,

I have struggled against raging waves to reach their home

Fruitless, spineless and hopeless

Was I not told? Over and over in the mockery and spite.

Did I not know of the thorns and deserts?

I did. I always did.

I just didn’t know that the destination wouldn't last either

And as the ship slowly sank, as my land gradually melted

I held on to the last piece, that piece of throbbing life

And now its time, as the night is the thickest,

And I’ve let go of the rotting lying piece of life

I feel the salt rubbing the wounds raw in me

I hear the lungs gasping in the dirty waters

I see the vision cut to a black screen of a starless sky

I know it’s the end – not of life, not of despair or bliss

Of ever trying to reach, of trying to hold onto the fortress

My source of strength was eroded with the ship, and now it was at the bottom

Musty, corroded and covered in weeds

I don’t wish to die, I don’t wish it to end

I just don’t wish anymore

I slowly float towards rock bottom,

With flashing images of smiles and sighs, of a life in lies

Of brittle hopes, of shielded truths

I was out of reach of the light now, melting away with my life in the smelly water

With no tombstone, no memories behind

No tears or empty houses.

Is this solace? Is this defeat? Is it giving up?

I close my eyes, block all the sound – to revel in what was always there

Forceful, catatonic peace.